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Francesca Garchitorena
23 April 2010 @ 06:30 pm
There are many fictional characters I would want to have sexual relations with hang out with and get to know better. After much needed deliberation that had enabled me to separate the fangirlism from the serious shit, I came up with the list of Top 10 Fictional Characters I'd most likely hang out with for a whole day.

Just leave me your star dust to remember you by...Collapse )

To my serendipity-sweetheart, Lei:
Happy birthday, [info]evanescent_ash
Oh great I am: satisfiedsatisfied
Stuck in my head: "Boats and Birds" by Gregory and the Hawk
Francesca Garchitorena
This is quite nice. I got this from bleed_peroxide  who's an awesome gal I find myself relating to more and more. I'm very happy with the results, actually, because, as it turns out, they're exactly what I'm expecting. I suppose I should celebrate on the fact that I'm no longer that antisocial but I found myself too sidetracked with the fact that some web test confirmed how much I'm in love with myself, thanks a lot to new college friends who enrich me in so many ways [hmm, I should blog about them]

Paranoid Disorder:High
Schizoid Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:Low
Antisocial Disorder:Low
Borderline Disorder:Low
Histrionic Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Disorder:High
Avoidant Disorder:Moderate
Dependent Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --
Haha. I really don't mind the ones I scored "low" on but yah they're cool too. I'm more focused on the ones that are dancing around in neon lights (at least that's how I envisioned them when I saw the results): like me being narcissistic and paranoid in high dosages because it's true that, in RL, I am very distrustful about people's intentions because my ego can only take so much dishonesty and hypocrisy and I should be the only one with ulterior motives so LOL. And apparently, me being schizoid, avoidant and OCD are moderate (which is so fucking hilarious 'cuz I had no idea that one can moderate shit like that). So here is the narcissist in me patting myself in the back. *goes to reading the personality disorders in full length*
Oh dear I do hope that all of you 25 people who I want to get to know better and remain friends with will not get turned off with my inappropriate display(s) of douche-ry. Being a narcissist used to tie me down. I self-loathe because of it. Now I just have to admit it and control the dosage after all, not everything I do has to be distastefully opportunistic. When it comes to social networking like in this eljay, I'm actually quite likeable I would hope so, or maybe it's just the narcissist in me trying to trap you LOL LOL I could do this all day :p No, seriously though. I am nice if not so full of myself all the time. If you ever catch me doing that, smack me, kay? And if this blog post is starting to make you feel uncomfortable >.<

EDIT: I've read something terrible: "Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them." No, I'm trying not to wander too deep in that darkness. No, thanks. Er, apparently, you can score a "very high" one in the test. I wonder why I didn't get "very" in my Narcissismwith a capital N at all. Fuck. Is someone out there to get me?
Oh great I am: amusedamused
Stuck in my head: "Bad things" by Jacey Everett (True Blood OST)
Francesca Garchitorena
It wasn't my first attempt to make pancakes last 6th of April. I remember making pancakes by myself two years ago and they turned out to be slightly-better-than-average (proudest moment of my life). I just followed the detailed instructions on the box and it was a piece of pancake. So, two nights ago, I was craving for butter and sugar and I was thinking of what food usually accompanies both. Answer: pancakes. So I went down the kitchen at four in the morning, hoping I could make myself a tasty bunch while watching Eastwick. I read the instructions on the box. It says I have to put one pack of flour into the bowl and add 3/4 of water. Pretty easy, right? While pouring the water with its desirable quantity, I keep thinking to myself : am I not supposed to put two eggs first? But the box has all the instructions I needed and eggs weren't mentioned. So I "battered" (more like, 'got myself wet because there is nothing solid enough inside the bowl to "batter") while I waited for the pan to heat up. And then I poured the "battered" flour drowning in water into the pan---and it just won't solidify. And then I thought to myself again: Ah, there should be eggs after all. In the fridge, there was only one egg left. I stared at it. Then at the pan filled with liquid flour. I tried again because I want pancakes so bad that morning.

What I did next was beyond rational comprehension. Instead of using new flour, I simply removed the liquid flour from the pan and poured it back on the bowl. Then the egg. I "battered" and there was actually something to batter. I was laughing now, understanding that any normal person who had already made pancakes before would know that eggs are needed and so the box didn't need to specify it. Obviously, the pancake box wasn't manufactured to a consumer like me as idiot-friendly. After washing the pan clean, I saw that my liquid flour has solidified in a way---and now I was prepared to pour a small quantity back in the pan. I waited for the "bubbles" so I can be sure it's time to flip it to the other side. But the damn thing sticks and I ended up destroying what's supposed to be circular in shape. It was like...all grinded and stuff. Also, there were these tiny "chunks" since it was already cooked before and that seemed to add to the problem. The first two pancakes were undercooked and grilled, still edible though if you don't take the aesthetics into account. I got impatient so I poured everything now..and it got big like an omelet. To cut the story short, I simply didn't get to eat pancakes. All I ended up doing was scraping the mess from the pan until my fingers are numb. I got back to bed and never looked back.

I asked the maid the next day to make me pancakes and she did a hell of a job, considering she also had no idea how to make them. I've just given her the instructions to put the eggs first with the flour before the water. And the genius nailed it. But my appetite for them was no longer. I only got to finish one pancake--not even with butter and sugar but with syrup instead.

So there. I can't make pancakes by myself for myself. Which means I'm gonna have to buy ready-made food outside than learn to cook. Or find someone who knows how to cook so I can be fed without making a fool out of myself again. It's surprising how I like to assert my independence in most things; and yet, when it comes to homely stuff, I simply want someone to do them for me. If I will move in with someone in the future, she can go ahead and buy the furniture, the drapes and anything that requires going outside to shop. I'll always have an opinion when it comes to the the contents of the fridge, the color of the walls and the plants/flowers to be brought inside; but that's about it. I'm happy to fulfill my purpose as a slob.
The Great Beyond: watching That 70's show s6
Oh great I am: sillysilly
Stuck in my head: "Losing my Religion" by REM
Francesca Garchitorena
Something very bad happened to me on a dreadful Thursday, 14th of January.

We had an exposure trip to tour around the broadcast studios of two of the top channels in our country, ABS-CBN and GMA. I was goddamned attacked by the common colds the previous day and although I had a very cleansing conversation with the Associate Editor pertaining to the ruins of relationships and how to cope, I didn't seem to retain the good mood reinforced by that discussion and bring it along with me on the bus ride the next day. I was suddenly aware of how my sinuses hurt and my eyes are so moist and itchy that I might just scratch the contact lenses out. But it is true that it's isn't what you fear the most that happens first. Relief wasn't an option to me for the rest of the tour. I was glad to have at least one very familiar person standing next to me, Mei, a fellow HF writer who is also taking up the same course as I am (although we're in different block sections). I was able to tolerate how inconspicuous the ABS-CBN studio made me feel as long as she was by my side. I really thought I was gonna make it out alive. Unfortunately, sleep deprivation, constant weight gain due to food cravings and colds have the tremendous effect of oppression akin to being shackled and beaten around. Not that my masochist was complaining, but the  pain offered no pleasure whatsoever that will enable me to rejoice and bear it. I had to literally drag myself around, depressed as hell. I was already impatient and sullen, but holding Mei's pinky finger as we walked around gave me enough comfort. It was short-lived, however, as I later found out, when we were in GMA and I got separated from my dear friend. It feels like being four years old again and lost among strangers. Nothing is scarier when this happens. It is pathological on my part that I get batshit crazy around crowds and their combined noises, smells and emotions.

So understandably, I had a panic attack.

All this time I was just sweeping the dirt under a rug, perfectly concealing the anxiety as long as it's my own burden to bear. I thought that if it was out of sight, then it was also out of mind. Until the mind has a way to clean the mess on its own and I have to go through the audacity of the healing process and shitCollapse )
Oh great I am: apatheticapathetic
Stuck in my head: "Shackled" by Vertical Horizon
Francesca Garchitorena
12 January 2010 @ 11:30 pm
I hate having feelings for someone in a way that isn't borderline obsession (which is probably more acceptable to me because I'm nothing if not intense). I'd also be much comfortable if the attraction is purely physical or if the kind of fuck I want is something of the mental kind; stimulating...intellectual, a real celebration of orgasmic proportions. Most of all, these kinds of faltering attractions usually occur with the guys. I've only been able to sincerely love a girl before and I do not want to dwell on that history, but, suffice to say, I never thought I could actually develop feelings for the opposite sex  that is this overpowering because it actually demands true emotional connection where I have to step out of a perfectly safe establishment and put myself in danger of rejection. It's not even the rejection that scares me the most. It's the idea that he might just return my feelings. Of course, I thought that would be the end of me; that a certain glance or a gentle smile---a sweet acknowledgment of my supposedly unrequited love---would already be a mitigated disaster to me. I seek out the pleasure of pain in every endeavor and that is why the masochist is me is terrified that I might just find enjoyment in true happiness. I had pondered different scenarios so many times where he would feel the same way and he would want to ask me out on a date and we'd hold hands, and kiss and spent another day together doing the same thing again. I find it intriguing that my stomach feels twisted and weird when I think about fluffy stuff like that. In a way I do want something so warm and reassuring but because I'm a grand saboteur of anything that would resemble a normal, healthy lifestyle, I digress and do the other way around, searching for things and events that would only bring me thrill and moments of introspection. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm truly ready to be with someone if all the aspects of my person will be given to scrutiny to this significant other; that he would have to rip into the several layers and taste the variety meats of my consciousness and other nonsensical idiosyncrasies. He would have to see me without the concealers and the costumes and the masks. He would have to demand something I have not learned to give as of yet, something I treasure so selfishly that I will never be forced to hand it to him in a silver platter. I have all the darkness of no morale or silver lining, and he's going to shine a light on these parts and I can't deal with that. The worst scenario would be if he feels the need to fix me, like I'm a damaged doll in need of repair, and it'll frustrate him that he can't, and then all of the efforts and struggles would be a waste, and he's gonna know that he shouldn't have bothered.

I hate being this self-conscious. The trouble with me is I'm so aware about being aware of myself all the time. What would I do if I fall in love again the second time around and it's with a guy this time? It's getting worse everyday because I'm feeling so close to J.E (and the feeling is starting to look mutual) but in the back of my mind, I still hold a candle for this other guy who is still with his neurotic girlfriend and obviously unhappy. I think I'll retreat once more if the stakes will continue to confront me like this. I'm not ready to share myself to another person who may or may not accept what I have to offer and withhold. And maybe that's the paradox of love and relationship. You can't know until you try. It's so wrong and unfair that I'm a lot braver now in my academic undertakings, as well as with my writing, and yet I'm still in square one when it comes to my relationships. I'm not sure what kind of test God is putting me through. Could He be any more vague? I haven't been sleeping well. My food cravings are a lot stronger. And I'm manic and depressed in varying levels that might need to be consulted on with a therapist again. This is such a tangled spectrum I can strangle on.

I used to imagine a soulmate, like all the silly girls do. I'm sure you had too. And as I grew older I realize relationships are hard work, right timing and compromises. And sooner the soulmate becomes more human, and I believe now that I have to get out my shell first and meet people because who knows, he/she would be my friend first until feelings would take their toll and happen. The journey, the destination---it doesn't fucking matter. Love's gonna come for my blood and it'll be swift and merciless.
The Great Beyond: watching Gensomaden Saiyuki
Oh great I am: embarrassedembarrassed
Stuck in my head: "Tangled up in me" by Skye Sweetnam
Francesca Garchitorena
06 January 2010 @ 12:08 am
I've waited until midnight  just to post this. I wish I could wear my SH costume from third year high school but I'm five sizes too big now and Papi didn't have time to get it adjusted last week :c But anyway, just to make up for it, I stayed up all night yesterday to finish a video for him. I always celebrate his birthday here in my eljay since 2006 (including Eminem's and Johnny Depp's). I've been wanting to watch the latest movie starring Robert Downey Jr. I've heard great things about it. It's not all-canon but I'm being honest when I say that I've waited since I was twelve for a well done Sherlock movie to come out and now the dream has finally came true!

Mr. Holmes is a badass and you better recognize!

" Happy motherfucking

th birthday,

Mr. Sherlock Holmes
! "
Here is a Birthday Video Tribute made by yours truly!Collapse )
Oh great I am: geekygeeky
Stuck in my head: "Tik Tok" by Kesha
Francesca Garchitorena
Mama actually bought me a Winnie the Pooh diary. I remember the first diary I had was also of the said character. Pooh's a favorite. Ah, my first diary! It was pink on the outside and the pages are orange, blue and green. I wonder where the hell it is now. I never really wrote anything worth reading again since I had it when I was only six. I must have written dumb things in it; although it's not to say that what I'm about to share in my eljay right now is not as equally stupid.

I have a furious crush with the Associate Editor, Paul-sempai. and it's fucking outrageous! I just want him so bad it's not even right anymore. I guess it's just the pervasive hornies, a bad case of them too. Still, because the obsession is just messing with me whenever I'm all alone, I decided to devote my time trying to release it through healthy means and that is by reading his Blogspot. He hasn't updated it since May of this year but that doesn't stop me from snooping happily on his private thoughts. I somehow developed a frightening interest on whatever daily activity he has written on his blog. It has gotten so sick in fact that I look forward to reading at least five entries everyday and just absorb his words and moods. I don't know exactly what I'm getting from it, except further confirming why I like/respect/desire him in the first place. Even in his worst days when he gets bored or pissed, he just has a way of expressing himself so genuinely that it staggers me. My fascination for him is a lot deeper than with J.E's. This one had me running miles inside my head and I don't know if I should act on impulse or just remain distant around him. The truth is the only thing that's stopping me from stalking him is that I have so much respect for my sanity (no matter how it slips sometimes from my grasp if I don't keep it in check), and he is my senior and I don't want to do something so incriminating that he might hate me. He doesn't. And that's good. He's not fond of me or crazy about me either, but he keeps things professional; although most days he would engage me in conversations of whatever both of us feel like talking about. I'm not sure what I'm getting from all this, except for the conversations themselves and the one-sided sexual tension. It's so much bigger than the rest of me; because I'm frigid when it comes to the opposite sex and I've almost forgotten how it's like to be into a guy and not feel threatened of the rejection it comes with the feeling. So it's nice while it's lasting, I guess. I'm holding on for the sake of how it brightens up my day whenever he comes into the office. I would write and write just so he could proofread them, and he might tell me once more, after everytime I've written a compelling piece, that this is one of his joys of editing.

I even like this guy from Features because I feel tons of chemistry around him whenever we talk and bond over the most random things. I've told him I have feelings for him and he totally understands that, and ever since that, I realize that there's beauty in the attempt. And that's all cool. In the end, he gave his ex-girlfriend a second chance and I'm happy for him, really, and so I wished him good luck. We still talk, but not as much anymore. He's not awkward around me and I'm not either. It's just one of those things that happen because it needs to be. After all, as an adult, I should act and decide like one, and it's great not to be volatile and not let emotions to get the best of you; but it's also making me frigid when I'm generally not as a person; especially not when it comes to romantic pursuits. Anyone, girl or boy, who gets my blood pumping, is immediately coveted. But somehow I don't feel like opening doors to anything that will lead to a relationship. I'm so busy and productive with my academics and extra-curricular activities that I don't feel like looking for a partner. I like sex, sure. I also like the idea of being held in someone else's arms again--but nothing could be further than my mind right now.

I don't bruise that much either anymore, emotionally speaking, and maybe that's the problem. I'm nineteen and not looking to be loved, not expecting to be loved through means of being part of a couple. True, I still fantasize every night with my pillow, and I'm not turning asexual because I still like sex and would want to do it again soon--but I don't feel the need to define my happiness with romance and sex anymore--not as strongly as before. I got over the need and I wouldn't even know it if I am not writing about this now. It's probably because I'm just such in a good place. I've never felt so accomplished and happy to be alive. My family is pulling through, there are many opportunities to harnest my craft and I got great friends again (Mei and Pau). Still, I long for more, like any unsatisfied human being, I long for something to make it even better...and if it's time for me to fall in love again then I'd know...right? Besides, at least I won't use a relationship to complete me, and so if I want one while I'm in my happiest, it would be because he or she is a risk worth taking, and I'm gonna be even happier with him/her.</p>
Oh great I am: lethargiclethargic
Stuck in my head: "Season of Love" by Shiny Toy Guns
Francesca Garchitorena
08 October 2009 @ 02:57 pm
If I'm totally gonna be honest, the reason why I haven't had sex with men is because I'm terrified with that level of intimacy, of the tremendous surrender it takes. I've used the valid reason of avoiding teenage pregnancy, the burden of having a child at such an early age, and I mean it. What surprises me though is how often I would imagine myself in the loving arms of a man--and the picture stays. It's not a big deal, really. I like boys probably as much as I like girls---only in a different league. My guard is tougher with boys around and it would even seem that I like to wear a costume to keep them away. So this all leads to my inclination to cover up myself with pretty, optimistic, ornamental masks, hoping they won't care enough to see through that---and find the dark underneath. I've trained myself to be a pathological liar even among friends. My very, ultimate, truest self only appears in writing and perhaps this is the reason why I uphold writing in a pedestal. But honesty is always in disguise just as much as the truth is subjective.

I like myself enough to admit it needs to stay hidden.

I've been thinking about GLOBALIZATION---how it's now easier to form connection in some suspended area somewhere that's helped more or less by technological innovation, how scarce it is for someone to be an individual when everyone is willing to settle to just be another social trend's carbon copy; a copy after copy after copy. It's catching up to us, can anyone else feel it? All the liberty and freedom but we're at war with ourselves. It's the real paradox of our time. The irony doesn't make me laugh anymore.

We're still human and yet we can't always feel it, that sometimes we're so desperate for every touch we end up crashing into each other just to feel something.
The Great Beyond: inside the HF office
Oh great I am: crushedcrushed
Stuck in my head: "Make it" by Filadelfa Tubo
Francesca Garchitorena
12 August 2009 @ 11:40 am
How, dammit, tell me! I still do not have a clue.

I want boys who ignore me, boys who worship another girl's ground. I want boys who are god incarnate, boys who try hard not to be human. I want boys whose tears can soak into my skin, boys whose laughter I want to feel on my clothes. I want boys who want other boys, boys who surprise me, terrify me blind and bored. I want boys who make love like savages, boys who pick battles and are in it to win it. I want boys who want me wearing white stockings and chains, boys who will sear my flesh with cigarettes, pour wine on the burns. I want boys who want me who wants girls who want other boys and all that, boys who can lie through honest eyes, boys that slake thirsty sleeping princesses, jealous queens and wicked witches. I want boys who want me who wants them back to want me more than I want them, boys who can love without assuming the best from me as much as they can assume the worst.
The Great Beyond: in someone's worthy arms?
Oh great I am: confusedconfused
Stuck in my head: "Over and Over" by Three Days Grace
Francesca Garchitorena
05 July 2009 @ 01:53 pm
I'm writing an analysis paper for this short story by Akutagawa-sensei. Now I've read this back in high school and I understood that the characters of the samurai, his wife and the bandit each portray the different codes of honor in Japanese society. So our prof asked us to list the testimonies by all the characters in the story and pretend that we're in the position of a judge and we have to write our own verdict. Before I share my verdict, I'd just like to say that I find it weird that we have to do it in the first place since this story, from what I understand, is not meant to have the appropriate moral ending; it's supposed to be an empty gray area. The reader can't say for sure who the murderer is because it's not about who, it's more about why they all think they committed the murder and how they're supposed to have committed the murder. Akutagawa-sensei's story, to my interpretation, is not a mystery that needs to be solved. In fact, there's no mystery at all! The three characters admitted to the crime because in their hearts they believed that they have indeed killed...and that's what it's all about: whatever virtue or principle behind their confessions is the crucial element to their stories.

If you don't know this story, you can download it HERE and read it; it's so intricate and sublime. We were also asked to write a movie analysis of Rashomon which is a 50's film based on the story. Now since the cinematic execution is old, someone my age cannot appreciate it but it is indeed a classic work and the interpretation of the director in the end is provoking.

My verdict is simply thisCollapse )
: Please tell me if there are grammatical errors or typos so I can correct them before submission.
Oh great I am: creativecreative
Stuck in my head: "I should be allowed to think" by They Might be Giants